DAY 1 : TANNIS ELLIS BROWN
 Living with Cancer
My thoughts – Tannis Ellis Brown
HOPE and DESPERATION
Being a young mother of 2 beautiful children, my only hope is that I will live long enough to see them grow up, that I can be a part of their lives. I try to stay positive and focused on healing but it is impossible not to think things like, “if I died this year or next year or even the year after, my girls will likely have no actual memory of me. They will have pictures and stories but no memory of their mom”. It’s thoughts like this that make me desperate to live. That is the best description of how I feel, truly feel, underneath the surface of strength and hope that I try to emulate each day I feel a quite desperation. It is always there, all anyone has to do is scratch the surface and they will see my desperation.
THE CHALLENGE
My goal is to stay strong and focused on getting better and I really try to stay positive most of the time. I think we are all stronger than we realize until we are challenged – this is my challenge. When I feel scared that I might not be able to do this, I hold my breath and put my head down and push forward. I can do this.
TIME
When I was first diagnosed, and we were talking with the doctor about my “survival rates”, I got focused on living “just 10 more years”. I desperately wanted to live 10 more years. It would be so unfair if I couldn’t live to see Drew turn 12 and Megan turn 10, but then I realized, if my diagnosis came 10 years ago, I would have wished for the same thing, and I think about all the wonderful things that have happened to me in the past 10 years. I got married, I had 2 beautiful children, etc. I have been incredibly blessed and in fact privileged to live this life. And if my diagnosis came 10 years from now, I would still wish the same thing. It would be unfair not to see my girls reach adulthood and get married and have children. It comes down to the fact that cancer just isn’t fair. And the bottom line – as my doctor has said - is that my personal survival rate is not 30% as the statistics conclude, but rather my survival rate is either 0% or 100%. I will do whatever I have to do to survive.
MY INSPIRATION
I am inspired by people like Kevin Wallace. As my physical being fails me I am frustrated with its weakness and I pray for strength and healing but I am inspired by athletes and especially by endurance athletes – I am moved by their physical strength and power and grace. I am challenged to stand up to my fight by watching them conquer theirs.
I will be going into surgery on the morning of Tuesday, June 13 to have the cancer cut out of my lung. I will be thinking about Kevin and his ride. I will be thinking about his strength and endurance. I will be thinking about my lungs taking in and releasing air, just as his are, and I will draw strength from him.
GOD
I believe that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but rather we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I believe that my soul, my spirit, is eternally linked to the spirits of my loved ones – my family, my husband, my girls and close friends, so that even if my physical being does fail, my spirit will remain linked in this chain.
I have had many churches and people of all different religions praying for me and for my family. Even people I don’t know or have never met, pray for my healing. I believe that God hears these prayers (whether there is one person praying or thousands) and that He walks by my side supporting me and comforting me. I do not believe that He will heal me – why would He choose to heal me and not someone else with cancer? – but I do believe that He is with me. There have been times in the past few months when I logically should be terrified or worried or sad, but instead, I have felt the most incredible peacefulness, I believe that is God. It is an amazing feeling and because of it, I am not scared. I think some of us only sense this kind of peace when we are pushed to our limits, while others are moved daily by beautiful music or poetry or art or the sound of children’s laughter – they have taken the time to stop and be moved, thereby feeling grace and peace and mercy – thereby strengthening their souls.
WHY DID I GET CANCER?
Because cancer is not fair. Because the cells in my adrenal gland got messed up and started behaving badly. I did not get cancer because I deserved it, I did not get cancer because I am strong enough to fight it, I did not get cancer because I asked for it or needed it or wanted it. It is not something I have to go through to learn about life. I am learning about life and love and I do hold things dear, that I once took for granted but I believe that cancer is a random, genetic mistake and that it is unfair. I am committed to doing everything I can to survive, but if I fail, I will not accept the blame, and I will not blame the doctors or nurses or God. Life is not fair. I can accept that. I will not give up but I am at peace.
We are all stronger than we know – we have to be challenged to realize just how strong we are.
Time can be our enemy if we waste it – don’t waste a single day or a single moment of this life – it is too precious a gift – make it count.
I believe in the importance of having a healthy BODY, MIND, and SPIRIT. I think it is awesome that someone, like Kevin, can push himself to such an extreme limit of strength and endurance. By pushing these boundaries I believe he is strengthening his BODY, MIND, and SPIRIT, because he will need all three to accomplish this great task. He is an inspiration to us all.
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Post Race Reports/Articles
Read post race articles from Oliver Moore of the Globe and Mail, Danny Chew of RaceAcrossAmerica.org, and Race Crew commentary. Read More.
A Note From Kevin on Day 6
I must say I am both humbled and appreciative of each of your comments. They mean so much to me providing much needed energy to myself and my team. Read More.
Dedications
As the endless miles attack Kevin's legs and soul, he'll draw strength from
thoughts of these eight courageous women. Read More.
Kevin's Message
I would like to thank my friends that are not on my crew during the race but have been part of the crew in preparation. Read More.
The Quest
Team Race makes it official. Our intent is to break the Mens SOLO RAAM record. Read More.
Kevin's Gear List
I am packing some last minute items on the eve of flying out to start line and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Read More.
Kevin's Reflection from RAAM 2004
To compete in Race Across America (RAAM) was a dream come true. Read More.
The World's Toughest Race
Still the numbers are provocative and set ones mind to churning, and when the churning is done and the initial disbelief lingers. Read More.
RAAM DNF - The Noble Defeat
Today we will explore some of the DNF Dragons that have seduced, cajoled, and downright wrestled past RAAM riders to give up. Read More.
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